Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
