My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
