if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
