Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
