got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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