some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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