My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
