So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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