i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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