i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Randomize
