Define "chronic" masturbator.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
