I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
