apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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