i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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