We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
