I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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