If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
