i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
