It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
