ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
