well I can't set my house on fire every night
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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