I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
