I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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