I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
