And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my being single is dangerous.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
