If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
