Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize