My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
