I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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