Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
