he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
