I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
