i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
