I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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