it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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