I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
