I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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