found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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