Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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