she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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