I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
