Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
