woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
FUCK WHALES
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize