I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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