when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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