I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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