Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Randomize
