I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
