my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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