its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
