You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
