I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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