Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
