Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
