i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
