I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
