eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
